Ok well this summer has been pretty crazy, and not a lot of fun. I know I posted an entry about falling in the shower and what not. Well that was only the tip of the iceberg. Let me just give a past history of myself, I suffer from anxiety and depression, and 4 years ago I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts and actions. It use to be my dark secret but I feel more comfortable sharing it now because I realized that one of the things that helped me recover was knowing that I wasn't alone and other people where feeling the same pain I was. So I say it now to let whoever reads this out there know they aren't alone. With that said I had a complete relapse this summer, I became completely depressed and had terrible panic attacks were I couldn't even move and I felt like I was dying. I completely distanced myself from my closest friends and for that I am so sorry, Rusty I never meant to do that I wish I had been able to spend more time with you this summer.
So after tons of panic attacks I go back to the hospital which I dread going to because I'm so afraid I'm going to be hospitalized again. So I get my medication at the hospital and they do an EKG on me. The doctor tells me, after a lot of demands from me, that my EKG is a little off. Ok what the fuck do you mean by a little? He tells me "well if you were 20 years older and had a history of heart disease in your family I would be really worried". Oh that's just something to let slide by. So I demand to go see a cardiologist, and I go and he runs every blood test you can think of on me, plus he puts an event monitor on me. It records my heart's activity, and every time it beeps that means something was recorded aka something was up with my heart. So the thing beeps like crazy and I'm freaking out. Then I get a letter from the Heart Center at St. Francis hospital. Well actually my mother got it in the mail and kept it from me till the day of the appointment because she didn't want me freaking out for the week before hand. Anyway the doctors at this center put in pacemakers and all that kind of stuff. I'm having a massive panic attack because I think I need a pacemaker.
The doctor there tells me I have an arrhythmia, which means my heartbeat is randomly jumping up really high. At one point my heart was at 240 beats per minute, which is not good at all. He tells me I have 3 options: 1) Do nothing which is so not recommended, 2) Go on medication for the rest of my life, or 3)Go in for a procedure and have it fixed. After a lot of crying and talking to Rusty and Robin I decide to go in for the procedure. It's called an EPS study, where they put a catheter in your leg and go up to the heart to find the arrhythmia. The day of the procedure, well one I couldn't sleep that night, and two I felt like this was the last time I would ever see my house. I was freaking out I was in the ER waiting for the procedure to start, I had an IV shoved in my arm and blood drawn like every freaking second. Then it's my turn to go in for the procedure they wheel me over to the EPS lab and I start crying hysterically, I didn't want to go in I thought I was going to my death.
I finally calm down and they bring me in, the only medication you get for this procedure is valium. So I'm awake the whole time, and I keep begging for the valium. It hurt like hell. First off 5 seconds after I get the valium the doctor shoves the catheter into my leg, and if I wasn't strapped to that table I would have jumped off. So like I said it hurt like hell because they purposely make your heartbeat fast. So my heart was being brought up to 300 beats per beat, you feel like you are having a heart attacked. It was horrible, and the valium never kicked in during the procedure. Afterwards when I was being wheeled up to my room, me and the cool transport guy were singing in the hallway.
I was only suppose to be in the hospital for 7 hours, because you aren't suppose to move 6 hours afterwards. Towards the end of the 6th hour I started complaining of chest pain. So they tell me they are going to keep me overnight, once again I start crying because who wants to be in the hospital. Later in the night I have a really sharp pain in my side, so at 9 at night they send me to get a CAT scan of the chest. I'm laying in bed at 10:30 and I hear the nurse out in the hallway on the phone go "Positive for pulmonary embolism bed 244-2" which is my bed number and I again freak because now I have a blood clot in my lung. So the nurse comes in and connects me to a bag of blood thinners, because my blood needed to be thinned so the clot won't get bigger. Then the next day I go for ultrasounds to make sure I have no other clots. Then I'm laying in the bed and this doctor comes in and goes "You have no other clots everything is clear, and oh by the way you have a small benign tumor in your uterus." What? How do you just tack that in on the end like it's nothing. Yeah sure it's a benign tumor, but still you hear tumor and you flip. So because of the blood thinner and the clot my blood has to be drawn everyday at freaking 4 in the morning to make sure the blood is thin enough.
I had so many bruises because the thinner makes you bruise a lot easier, so I looked like a junkie. I was finally let out of the hospital 4 days later, and my anxiety still wasn't any better. Sure the chest pain and the quick heartbeat I always felt was gone but I still was freaking over the tumor and the clot. I go see a GYN to figure out this tumor, she tells me it's nothing to worry about and in fact it's just a fibroid, and many women have it. Then she also tells me, which I found really funny, that because of my heart history I can never go on birth control and that I would have to be a condom and calendar girl. I thought that was so funny, I'm a CCG. So I had that solved. Everything after that started getting a little back to normal. I still had to wear that damn heart monitor though. I finally got to get rid of it today!!! I went to see the cardiologist again because I was complaining of chest pain, which I think may just be a muscle pain in my shoulder from when I fell. So everything is getting back to normal. But I just needed to get all that off my mind and share it. Thanks if you sat here and read all of this.
First of all I wanted to say I'm so sorry for all the distress you have been through. Depression is a tough battle, and for those who do not have it, they can never possibly understand how you feel. Being told to get over it or cheer up just doesn't cut it.
As for your heart scare, I'm so glad you are doing better. It is good that they caught it and took care of it. I've read scary stories of women who have had heart troubles and don't even know until they have passed out on the lawn. The hospital is no fun for sure. I spent almost a year in one when I had my kidneys operated on several times for defects and abnormalities and this all at the age of five.
But just know I'm glad you are better and here is a big hug for you.
On September 22nd, 2007 04:57 pm (UTC), (Anonymous) replied:
Thank you so much!! I really appreciate you reading all that and taking the time to get back to me. I am doing a lot better so thanks again for the concern. I'm so sorry to hear about your year in and out of the hospital and being so young too. I'm 20 and I couldn't stand being there for 4 days. I couldn't imagine being so young and having all that thrown at me. Ps. thanks for the hug, I really need one even if it is virtual, lol.
Cha Cha let me just say that you are my absolute best friend on the whole entire planet and if anything fatal had happened during that procedure this summer I don't think I could've lived through it. I admire your strength for writing this for everyone to see. It sucks that this summer didn't go as planned, but better to find out all of this stuff now then later. Just remember that you're strong enough and stubborn enough to get through anything and that you'll always look hot underneath those flourescent lights.
Love always -- Rusty
ps: they say you feel more pleasure without condoms anyway, just remember that.
sorry, i havent been on lj in forever and just saw this...wow i had no idea how much was going on..im so sorry....i am so happy you are ok and everything will be fine!!! i havent seen you in forever and that needs to change! if you need anything or to talk lemme know!